May 1, 2021
Wag the Dog

In Like a Lion, Out Like a Hindenburg

Every winter between October and March I gain upwards of 10 pounds (and I use that term “upwards” quite loosely).  And then in March we turn the clocks ahead and I panic.

“OH MY GOD!!! It’s almost bathing suit season and I gained 20 pounds!! How did that happen??  I’m only eating grapefruit from now until May”

Then I reactivate my gym membership and exercise my brains out so that I can get back into my tankini without imploding like the Hindenburg.

Now, I know that it’s not healthy to gain and lose weight all the time.  And I would much rather stay on the ideal weight end of things than have to struggle to constantly be on the losing weight end of things. But after I get down to my ideal weight, I start to believe I have amazing superhero powers and no matter what I eat, I will stay at that weight forever. So, I test this theory by eating all my kids’ Valentines candy, lots of cold weather comfort foods, and any cupcake that walks in the door.  And then in March, when I am in the last pair of jeans that fit, I realize that my theory is all washed up, doughnuts are my kryptonite, and my superhero powers are limited to my apparent immortality in the face of the highest cholesterol number any living person has ever had.

Every year I swear I’m not going to do this again, but then, like childbirth, I forget how bad it was, and I find myself quite literally back on the treadmill cursing the guy who invented cellulite and wondering if there is a weight loss plan based on bacon that I could find.

Of course, just like it took me a number of months to put the weight back on, there are no shortcuts to losing it again either.  As they say, if you do the crime you gotta do the time.

I’m just wondering if the grapefruit can be covered in chocolate?

Tracy Beckerman

Author, Speaker, Columnist

TRACY BECKERMAN is an award-winning author, speaker, and syndicated humor columnist.

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