May 1, 2021
Family Circus

My Theory of Everything

Any armchair theoretical physicist knows that Stephen Hawking had pursued a lifelong quest to come up with a Theory of Everything.

This all-encompassing theory would tie together general relativity (large scale and high mass galaxies, stars, etc), quantum theory (quantum mechanics, quarks, atoms, subatomic particles), and Newtonian physics (gravity on small bodies, gas laws, electromagnetism) to solve the greatest mysteries of the universe.  (Stay with me… this is the end of the sciency stuff)

I, however, am not an armchair theoretical physicist.  In fact, the closest I get to understanding physics is watching The Big Bang Theory on television. My scientific education ended with Chemistry, so while I can make my own playdough, I probably won’t solve the mystery of black holes or figure out how to go back in time and stop myself from buying mom jeans.

Fortunately, life experience has helped me to achieve a certain amount of everyday physics knowledge that focuses on the things that really matter. These little known laws and theories affect everything I do in my life and are much more relevant to me than, say, the law of gravity, which is flawed; It explains why a pizza will fall on the floor when you drop it, but doesn’t explain why it always falls cheese side down.

So in an effort to help you make sense of your world, here are my Top Ten Mother of All Theories:

  1. The Law of Mascara

The day you go out without any makeup

is the day you’ll run into everybody you know.

2.. Conservation of Fat

There is a finite amount of fat in the universe and if someone loses some, then someone else has to gain it.

  1. The Law of Thermo-hysterics

The temperature you prefer in the house (76) is the direct inverse of the temperature your husband prefers (67).

  1. The Relative law of Relativity

An extended family member who comes to stay with you will always stay two times longer than the amount of patience your husband has for houseguests.

  1. The TP Approximation

The amount of toilet paper left on the roll (0) times the number of days before someone changes it.

  1. Conservation of Teenage Energy

The total energy of a teenager is constant and cannot be created or destroyed, unless he is sleeping, in which case it is put on hold indefinitely.

  1. Law of Teenage Entropy

The gradual decline of a teenager’s bedroom

into general disorder or chaos.

8.  A Nanocluster Fluctuation

The number of women at a department store on a sale day versus the number of items on sale that you actually want.

  1. The Dirty Dog Effect

A dirty dog will stay dirty until he is cleaned, but will then immediately find a way to return to an even dirtier state.

  1. The Vengeance Formulation

The amount of time it takes for a woman to develop righteous indignation after her husband forgets their anniversary, the doctor suggests that she could lose a few pounds, the cosmetic company discontinues her favorite lipstick, her Pinterest account gets suspended, or she is defriended by someone on Facebook.

Tracy Beckerman

Author, Speaker, Columnist

TRACY BECKERMAN is an award-winning author, speaker, and syndicated humor columnist.

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